My "Walk" ...am I alone?

Recently , I was blessed with the opportunity to listen to some close friends give their personal testimonies about their "Walk with the Lord". This I know is an extremely touchy subject for some, and not so much for others.

For those who are close to me I am sure you will easily understand, but for those who don't know me as well, should know that I am an extremely emotionally attached individual. I take everything to heart. My emotions are tied into every aspect of my life. My family, my friends, my food, my fun, my work, and even my spirituality. I take great pride in the things I do, whether it be for others, my kids, myself...whatever. I cry at good things, bad things, other peoples things, I am happy for so much more than what what directly involves "me". I hurt when those close to me are hurting. I feel so blessed when they are getting praised. I feel like a part of them when I pray for/with them. So, I have to admit, this experience really got me thinking about me, and my "feelings" when it comes to my spiritual "walk" or run or whatever I may be calling it that day.

I was raised with Christian principles and values, as was my husband, that is how we are raising our family. We believe in it right down to the core of our souls. We believe that God put us all here on this beautiful earth to serve a purpose. Whether we know what it is yet or not, we are all here for a reason. I believe that we are responsible for our actions, and should dang well serve the consequences for them. I don't believe that you must gather in a "sanctified" building to be considered spiritual or close to God. I understand that this feeling is different for everyone and as is the place where you celebrate it.

The other day, I was deeply moved by two friends and their courage to get up and tell their stories. In fact so moved, that I was bawling, and continued to be pretty teary for the duration of the day. Unexpectedly, when I went to bed that night, I just had this feeling of emptiness. Not in the way one might think. Not empty in my heart, because I am fortunate enough to have a ton a carry in my heart. Tons! Not all good, and definitely not all bad. But more so empty in my soul (maybe)? The feeling is a bit indescribable. So as I tried to sleep, exhausted from my emotional roller coaster of a day, I just couldn't get some certain things that were said out of my head. And it dawned on me as to some of the reasons why I maybe feel this way.

God, church, and spirituality had such a different meaning for me growing up. We didn't go to church that often. It was attempted, but not something that my family as a whole really made the commitment to. Heaven was a comforting feeling to me followed by the loss of a friend or loved one. Now as an adult, raising my own family, I know that "it" is so much more. I find myself feeling angry when something happens and I don't understand why. I admit, I sometimes I have doubts about God himself - is there one? If so, then why is there so much pain, and suffering? Why are good people taken so tragically, leaving uncut threads behind? Why do some die so sudden and unexpectedly, while others who poison themselves live for so long? Am I alone in this big world of confusion and understanding? And much too much, I question my purpose as a whole. I don't ever expect to have all my questions, and doubts answered or redeemed. And I know that it definitely won't happen over the next few days, or weeks, or months, it may take my lifetime.

I didn't sleep very well that night...I awoke the next morning, tired and foggy, but still genuinely devoted to seeking out whatever it is I need to fill that space. However, I can say this, thanks to these two wonderful women, two wonderful friends, my eyes are open wider now, and so is the door to my heart and soul. Just the simple fact of hearing their stories made it so much easier to relate to my "own".

I know that I am not spiritually empty, and although at times it may feel like it, I am not "alone." I believe that our spiritual walks should come more than just once in our lives, and it may be so unexpectedly and naturally that we might not recognize each walk for what it is. As for me, I don't know if I have yet to determine my "Walk with the Lord".

But what I do know is this, celebrated are those who Walk with the Lord, but truly blessed are those of us who follow Him from behind...